Cultivating meta-self-control: 3 ways to make willpower unnecessary

What if self-control was a skill you could cultivate? Here are three strategies copied from the best and backed by science.

11 min readJun 17, 2024

If you’ve read psychology-related non-fiction, you’ve probably heard of the marshmallow experiments from the 1970s: Researchers put marshmallows in front of small children and observed how long they could delay gratification. If the child waited until the experimenter returned to the room, they got to eat the marshmallow; if they summoned the researcher earlier, they got a less preferred treat like a pretzel.¹

A decade later, the researchers followed up on these subjects. They found that the children who’d waited the longest were viewed as more academically and socially competent by their teachers and family members and were getting higher SAT scores.² ³

So being able to delay gratification is an ability which you form early on in life and which determines your future success? That’s how the story is often told. But it could also be told differently.

Originally, the researchers didn’t set out to uncover some psychological trait you either have or you don’t. They wanted to understand what makes someone more likely to delay gratification successfully.

After experimenting with various test set-ups (e.g., covering the marshmallow with a cake tin or giving the children toys to play with), the researchers concluded that the waiting period conditions mattered. A lot:

“[S]ix out of eight children waited the maximum 15-minute time when they could attend to neither the immediate nor the delayed rewards, whereas the mean waiting time was about 1 minute when they could attend to both rewards.”¹

Based on these results, they stated that delay of gratification should not be viewed as an “all-or-none ‘ability.’” But for some reason, the story about individual differences and their long-term ramifications took over nevertheless.

Luckily, this seems to be changing. The importance of the situation has again begun to gain traction — somewhat ironically — by studying the people who score high on trait self-control. We tend to think of these people as naturally skilled at resisting the lure of the marshmallow, but research shows that they actually experience fewer temptations than others.⁴

They‘re good at avoiding temptation — not resisting it.⁵ And this ability seems to be based on a kind of self-knowledge and planfulness which help them anticipate and prevent self-control failure.⁶ ⁷

But wait, isn’t self-knowledge and planning something anyone can cultivate?

Yes, although this meta-self-control (that’s what I called it in my article The secret life of people with high self-control) may come more easily to some, evidence suggests that it can be broken down into strategies that can be taught and learned.⁸ ⁹ ¹⁰

That got me wondering: If self-control was a skill you can learn, what should you be practising?

The rest of this article is my humble attempt at teaching what could be considered the foundations of meta-self-control. We’ll start with the prerequisites: understanding how an impulse forms. After that, we’ll delve into three science-backed strategies for preventing the need for in-the-moment self-control.

Are you ready? OK, let’s begin.

The basics: How an impulse forms and what it means for self-control

We typically think of self-control through negation. Not picking up that delicious chocolate chip cookie when passing by your favorite bakery. Not messaging your ex on a slightly dull and lonely Sunday. Not thrifting yet another floral blouse that won’t fit in your wardrobe.

Trying not to act on an impulse is certainly part of self-control. But that’s it: one part. To uncover the other parts, it’s useful to understand how an impulse forms and is acted on.

Social psychologists identify four stages to it¹¹:

Situation. The person finds themselves in a situation in which a potential temptation exists. (Quinn walks past their favorite bakery.)
Attention. The person notices the potential temptation. (Quinn notices chocolate chip cookies in the bakery window.)
Appraisal. The person appraises or evaluates the temptation. (Quinn thinks, “I really enjoyed that chocolate chip cookie the last time I had it.”)
Response. The person acts on the impulse or resists it. (Quinn walks into the bakery to buy a cookie.)

When we look at these stages, we can see that we typically think of self-control as occurring during stage 4: trying to inhibit the behavioral response. But that is the last stage.

I’m sure we can do better than that. Social psychologists think so, too.

“Not only is it possible to intervene at earlier stages of the impulse formation process, but it may also be wise: the earlier self-control is applied, the more likely it is to succeed.”

Not only is it possible to intervene at earlier stages of the impulse formation process, but it may also be wise: the earlier self-control is applied, the more likely it is to succeed.¹¹*

There are many strategies you can apply before you even encounter a temptation. These preventive self-control strategies help you anticipate potential future temptations so they can be avoided or their effect minimized.¹² Next, we’ll look at three of them.

3 strategies for making in-the-moment willpower unnecessary

The following self-control strategies tackle one or several stages of impulse formation, reducing the need for in-the-moment willpower.

Strategy 1: Select or modify the situation in favor of your long-term goals

One of the best ways to prevent self-control failure is to avoid the situations in which you might encounter temptations and need to rely on effortful self-control: Taking an alternative path to work so that you don’t pass by your favorite bakery or scheduling a museum visit with a friend for Sunday so you’re not home alone thinking of your ex.

“One of the best ways to prevent self-control failure is to avoid the situations in which you might encounter temptations and need to rely on effortful self-control.”

This strategy is about intentionally putting yourself in situations which are aligned with your long-term goals. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to opt out of all tempting situations. The second-best, and often more realistic, strategy is modifying the situation in a way that reduces the need for in-the-moment willpower.¹¹

You can, for example, put your phone on silent and leave it on the kitchen counter while you go study or work from another room. Or, you can do what my friend did to start a meditation practice: He placed a meditation pillow in front of the bedroom door before going to bed so he would be reminded of his commitment when he woke up the next morning.

Situation modification isn’t, however, limited to the external environment. You can also modify your internal environment, that is, your body.¹¹ You can, for example, eat a proper meal before going grocery shopping. This way the chips aisle will seem slightly less alluring. Or you can go to bed early before an important workday. When you feel rested, you’ll be less distracted and moody.

The power of selecting or modifying the situation in favor of your long-term goals is pretty self-explanatory. But it’s also backed by science. One study found that subjects ate more healthy foods when these foods were placed at the beginning of the cafeteria line.¹³ In another study, students who were advised to remove temptations from their environment were better able to achieve their study goals than the ones who were advised to resist temptations through willpower.¹¹

Modifying the situation seems to be teachable. Next, we’ll look at another teachable meta-self-control strategy.

Strategy 2: Delegate control to the environment

As dumb as it sounds, one of the reasons we fail to control ourselves is because we forget we were supposed to.¹⁴ We might have enough willpower but not enough remembrance power. On some days, we also “lack the time” to pursue our long-term goals while spending two hours listening to the Huberman Lab podcast and another two streaming Sex Education (at least we’re educating ourselves, eh?).

“As dumb as it sounds, one of the reasons we fail to control ourselves is because we forget we were supposed to.”

If this sounds familiar, you can try making a simple if-then plan to tackle your lack of action. Like this: If I’m in a remote meeting where I only need to listen, I will go through my physiotherapy exercises.

These kinds of tiny plans are called implementation intentions. They’re the instant noodles of the self-control kitchen. Or, as Peter Gollwitzer, the psychology professor who invented them, put it, “[I]mplementation intentions create instant habits.”¹⁴

Implementation intentions can be very effective because they tie a behavior to a specific cue: When you encounter the cue, you’re reminded of the behavior. These cues can be either internal (e.g., an emotion or a bodily state) or external (e.g., a person, a place, or a situation) and they can focus on either initiating or maintaining a goal.¹⁵

Although implementation intentions tend to have quite a narrow scope, you can string them together to form more extensive plans. Step by step, you’re making it more likely that you’ll follow through.

A father of two who struggles to find time for exercise might form the following implementation intention: When my daughter is at jiu-jitsu practice, I’ll go for a run in the nearby park. And then another one: When my daughter is getting ready for practice, I’ll switch into my running gear. He may even decide to put out his gear in the hallway where he’ll see it once he arrives home from work. And soon he may be going for a run every time his daughter is fighting other 12-year-olds.

That’s the magic of implementation intentions: They turn ambiguous goals into concrete behaviors by delegating control to the environment.¹⁴

But there’s a caveat.

Implementation intentions work best when you’re already committed to a goal.¹⁶ If you lack motivation, you can form all the implementation intentions in the world but fail to see any self-control improvements. Therefore, it’s best to reserve them for the kinds of self-control dilemmas which are based on forgetfulness and lack of planning. If you need an extra kick in the butt, an extended exercise might be more useful.

Strategy 3: Fantasize about a desirable future, identify obstacles, and make a plan

Wanting to do something is rarely enough to sustain action over long periods of time. We need to commit.

An exercise called mental contrasting has proven quite powerful in facilitating goal commitment.¹⁶ You fantasize about a desirable future and then contrast it with the present reality.† Like this:

Desirable future: If I understood and spoke a bit of Spanish, I’d feel more comfortable traveling to Spanish-speaking countries and more connected to the cultures from which the dance styles I love— salsa, bachata, and reggaeton — originate.
Present reality: Busy with other hobbies, I’m not taking any concrete action towards learning Spanish.

By clarifying the discrepancy between dream and reality, mental contrasting helps you identify which goals are worth spending time on, and which aren’t. It also boosts commitment to the goals that pass through the sieve.¹⁶ But what it doesn’t do is help you figure out how to accomplish those goals. That’s where implementation intentions come in.

By pairing these two exercises, you get. . . wait for it. . . mental contrasting with implementation intentions (MCII). Luckily, Gabriele Oettingen, a German psychologist and the mother of MCII, also came up with a slightly less intimidating name for it: WOOP. It stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan.¹⁶

Teaching WOOP has shown promising results in both the short and the long term.¹⁶ For example, one study found WOOP to increase fruit consumption more effectively over a 24-month period than merely sharing information about healthy eating.⁸

Although the two interventions seemed equally effective in the beginning, after the four-month mark, the information-only group started reverting back to their baseline consumption. At the 24-month check-up, the group that had learned WOOP was still eating about 30% more fruits and vegetables than when they entered the study. And this result was achieved with a single lesson on WOOP.

Here are the WOOP prompts:

Wish: Think of a meaningful wish or goal that is both challenging and feasible.
Outcome: Imagine the best possible outcome of fulfilling that wish or accomplishing that goal (desirable feelings, experiences, etc.).
Obstacle: Think about the things standing in the way of accomplishing it, and identify the biggest obstacle.
Plan: Make a plan for tackling that obstacle, preferably using the if-then format of implementation intentions.

Now let’s apply WOOP to my earlier example about learning Spanish:

Wish: Understanding Spanish to the degree that I can understand basic everyday conversation and song lyrics.

Outcome: Feeling more connected to the culture from which the dance styles I love originate and being able to connect with locals when traveling to Spanish-speaking countries.

Obstacle: I lead a busy life with many hobbies and find it hard to allocate time for taking actual Spanish classes.

Plan: If I’m sitting on public transportation, I’ll put on my headphones and practice Duolingo (skipping the speaking exercises, of course).

Got it? Your turn.

One reader criticized my original article on meta-self-control by pointing out that what I was describing was not “impeccable self-control” but “impeccable self-organization.” Self-control, or temperance, is about moral virtue and modesty, not about being a high achiever.

Fair enough. The definition they suggested is well aligned with many ancient (spiritual) teachings on leading a good life. But when it comes to contemporary social psychology, the effortless type of self-control grounded in avoiding temptation is the one that correlates with positive life outcomes.¹⁷‡

And, in my opinion, that’s good news.

Not everyone is blessed with temperance from birth (I, for sure, wasn’t), and cultivating it may require years, if not decades, of living, failing, learning, and trying again. Meta-self-control, on the other hand, is more immediately accessible through the strategies discussed in this article.

Not that it’ll be easy peasy lemon squeezy either. Meta-self-control is about planning, and planning requires effort.¹⁸ Cultivating it may at first require intense self-reflection and intentionality. But the effort holds a promise: making the daily grind a bit less grindy.

Once you’ve tried it out, let me know which one you prefer: fighting temptation when it’s staring you straight in the eye or before it has even arisen.

If you enjoyed this, check out my previous articles on self-control:

References & notes

You can find all the references in this Google Doc.

*Some scholars have noted that there is scant evidence for the argument that intervening sooner rather than later is better for self-control.¹² In my opinion, the most convincing evidence comes from some of the interventional studies covered in this article and the ones looking at how people with high self-control experience their daily lives.

† Based on research, the order in which you do mental contrasting matters. It’s important to start with the dream and then think about the current reality. The reverse order — first reality, then dream — doesn’t seem to produce the same results.¹⁶

‡ Just to be clear, I have nothing but respect for anyone cultivating temperance. But for that, I suggest you turn to ancient teachings from the Stoics or Buddhists, or, if you fancy something more contemporary, for example, Ryan Holiday’s Discipline is Destiny.